Last night swirled in borrowed time. The famous blogger friend, her reading, and her after-party at the Stone Rose.
I was feeling a bit anxious, because to be perfectly honest, sometimes it’s hard for girls to be completely unrivaled with/happy for other girls. I wish this weren’t true, but it is, at least in my experience.
It’s left over from something else that I can’t place. Maybe from “Mommy Dearest” or from women in the workplace, or just plain old judging your self-worth by desirability—from a man, from a school, a career. The doctrine which dictates that a victor is only one by defeating another and how the line between is painted black and white.
Best friends have felt this way towards me when I make strides, and I of them. We’re happy each other is doing well, of course, but would you/I mind not doing so much better than me/her? Cause that means, somehow, one’s winning and one’s losing.
Girls don’t have to make sense; we’re too busy making things harder for ourselves.
So for last night, you may see how a successful writer, her highly lauded book and legions of fans might make one (anyone who isn’t quite there yet) a bit jealous, maybe a bit sour grapes. I hoped at least it would not be me that felt it, but went in bracing myself anyway. And dragging the boy so I wouldn’t feel like such a dorky hanger-on.
I didn’t. It was marvelous. She was marvelous. Gracious, glowing, and great on her feet. I felt proud and happy for her and so did everyone else.
An inspiration for where my life could take me if I work hard enough. To a corner overlooking the edge of the park, the glittering lights, a lemon-basil martini to my right, a meaty mushroom crostini to my left, atop a leather banquette with my head high.
Of course, when the bill came, reality hit and I slunk home to the many roommates, the laundry piles, the blisters on my toes.
Though Project Runway was a damn good consolation prize…
P.S. Spoiler Alert!
I was feeling a bit anxious, because to be perfectly honest, sometimes it’s hard for girls to be completely unrivaled with/happy for other girls. I wish this weren’t true, but it is, at least in my experience.
It’s left over from something else that I can’t place. Maybe from “Mommy Dearest” or from women in the workplace, or just plain old judging your self-worth by desirability—from a man, from a school, a career. The doctrine which dictates that a victor is only one by defeating another and how the line between is painted black and white.
Best friends have felt this way towards me when I make strides, and I of them. We’re happy each other is doing well, of course, but would you/I mind not doing so much better than me/her? Cause that means, somehow, one’s winning and one’s losing.
Girls don’t have to make sense; we’re too busy making things harder for ourselves.
So for last night, you may see how a successful writer, her highly lauded book and legions of fans might make one (anyone who isn’t quite there yet) a bit jealous, maybe a bit sour grapes. I hoped at least it would not be me that felt it, but went in bracing myself anyway. And dragging the boy so I wouldn’t feel like such a dorky hanger-on.
I didn’t. It was marvelous. She was marvelous. Gracious, glowing, and great on her feet. I felt proud and happy for her and so did everyone else.
An inspiration for where my life could take me if I work hard enough. To a corner overlooking the edge of the park, the glittering lights, a lemon-basil martini to my right, a meaty mushroom crostini to my left, atop a leather banquette with my head high.
Of course, when the bill came, reality hit and I slunk home to the many roommates, the laundry piles, the blisters on my toes.
Though Project Runway was a damn good consolation prize…
P.S. Spoiler Alert!
I incorrectly thought Keith was going to get kicked off for this scandal, not the books, and wonder if that will even come up or was that only discovered after the show was filmed. Anyone know?
8 comments:
Hi, K. I think we all get exactly the feeling you're talking about. I think the difference between "them" and "us" is that go-getter women take this jealousy-esque feeling and turn it into drive. Others turn it into a reason they'll never make it. I hope this shows you that honest writing, hard work, and a little confidence could lead you to sit with a spotlight on you, as you read from your own novel one day in the not too distant future!
How true. We do make things harder for ourselves sometimes. I think it has something to do with our genetic makeup. I have no doubt that this will be you in a few years.
Glad you had fun and didn't feel that old sting of jealousy.
>Cause that means, somehow, one’s winning and one’s losing.
exactly. girls are more competitive than guys, not less, and they live in Zero-Sum worlds: if someone gains, the other loses.
i think you'd really enjoy reading this funny and insightful (and short) book:
The Situation Is Hopeless But Not Serious (the pursuit of unhappiness)
"We hate it when our friends become successful." -Morrissey
Ugh, Stone Rose is so overrated! $17 drinks and where is the sound system?? So sad I missed the reading,though. Would have been fun to know you were in the crowd.
re keith and project runway
bravo knows about the scandal; check out tim gunn's blog on the project runway website - he says the show considers it a "non-issue"
It's the "what about me" syndrome that makes us feel the way you describe. I get it all the time. Friend gets married. What about me?!!! Friend finds a great job. What about me?!!! Friend gets a 6 figure book deal. What about me?!!! It's natural. But it should also be fleeting. The YAAAYYYY for her should always drown out the what about me?!!!
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