Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Quote of the Day

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
- Marilyn Monroe

Been thinking about this one today...could it be that it's not about what I deserve but what deserves me? That I am deserving of everything I want, that I am good as I am and as good as I should be already?

Kind of radical thinking...

On to the next one.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Getting Loopy

Uh oh, the warm weather is setting in and I'm getting a little...you know. Full of ideas. This class, that trip, this boy, that party, this job, that book, this style, that mindfulness, this idiocy, that carelessness.

The other day I was feeling moody, bratty and alone. I have so much and still I was being such a little jerk about it, wanting more without giving more, staring at my phone and bemoaning why it wasn't ringing when really, I hadn't rung anyone. Mad at a boy for not calling and another for calling.

I peeled myself off the chaise, grabbed the book I'm supposed to be reading for my own book to fix the first fifty pages, and took the subway out of my neighborhood. I also put on some eyeliner and a new necklace, because...I don't know. I had some romantic notion I would end somewhere romantic or interesting.

To be interesting, you must be interested. I was not interested and therefore not interesting. I wasn't interested in myself or the world. I was just curled up in a blanket.

So I took the subway to a neighborhood I never go to. I took my book. I took my pen. I was going to get some good dialogue out of it at least, I hoped. One or two great lines would make the process of bringing the notebook worthwhile.

I went into get a coffee and left on a seven hour date. There was an insane art exhibit with sound hard-wiring. There was gourmet pizza. There was a crazy dance party and a hilariously shaped luge for people to take shots. There was a farm. There were hipsters. I danced really hard. I left and when I came home, he'd emailed already that what had happened was rather wonderful.

It actually was.

I'm still pissy about a few things. But not about deciding not to be pissy. Not about deciding instead to be grateful, and get the hell up, and go somewhere and say hi to someone and make a joke and to say yes, just say yes, when someone, anyone remotely worthwhile invites you anywhere remotely worthwhile.

Because then you are remotely worthwhile. Even more than that some might say.

And because I am getting loopy with possibility and less numb to joy, and more numb to say, meanness or bad form or what-have-you, and more inclined to just ask if I can come or to just show up and if anyone wants me there declare it a victory. If not, I can go home, to where I already was. But no one has asked me to go home yet. If you do the same for them, I think they ask you to stay. I want to stay interesting. I want to stay interested. I want to say yes. I will say yes. I do say yes.

And I will quote, I will blather. It feels good. Do what feels good and don't do what feels bad if you can, whenever you can. I think. I think that is enough today. That, and a quote. Always a quote.

“I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.”— Sir Isaac Newton

Monday, June 07, 2010

Quote of the Day

Be strong, saith my heart.

I am a solider; I have seen sights worse than this.

-Homer, The Illiad

Friday, June 04, 2010

It's A Beautiful Day and I'm Going To Hate It If I Want To

It truly is amazing to have summer and be in love.

I've got summer. And work to do on my book that I can't seem to get motivated to do. I thought I had love, got a hold of myself and stopped talking to him for three weeks. Of course that's when he wants back in my life. And not asking nicely back, demanding, and telling me how horrible I was and how right our breakup was, demanding back.

Then there is the new crush that I thought I had...Well it turns out that crush was less than. Patience. Is. A. Virtue. I will not turn into one of "those" women. Will I?

No. I will not turn into one of "those" people who doesn't believe in fate and love and purpose and light and cream cheese and kittens and joy. I will just believe that those things don't come to me right now.

That is okay (grits teeth).

In the meantime, it is the weekend, and if I want to spend it stomping around my nice apartment and being generally ungrateful for the fact that I have no plans and no good attitude allowed?

Maybe I can go watch Reality Bites and eat some crackers after coming home from work instead of going out.

Also, note to self: stop skipping yoga. Lots of yoga last week = happy mood. No exercise at all this week = terrible mood. Coincidence? I think not.