Thursday, June 08, 2006

Cause I'm a Boss

I think about the future in slippery waves; small ones as though I am running my fingers through a streaming fountain. No big, bold, crashers, brimming with outrageous plans.

I wonder about the times after now, my wishful thinking leading me, twisting and turning in the dark until I arrive at a small door, one branded faintly with “what if” and I turn the knob.

Sometimes I start conversations with, “when I’m grown up”. When I’m rich, when I’m powerful, when I’m a boss. None of these things has happened yet. At first I thought age was the key. But as I round the bend to twenty-five, I’d like to scrap that. Please, let age not be the answer, the means. Because I’m officially out of the early 20s and into the “mids”. And not a thing has become clearer since the day I was seventeen, stretched out on the ground, my head on the grass, my body on the drive, eyes on the moon, and falling from my mouth the clich├ęd and ludicrous conclusions that every teen before me and every after came upon..."If only X, and then maybe Y, the world would be a better place. Why can’t everyone just chill out and intellectualize and move on?" The only difference between then and now? I’ve lost my Doc Martins and I realize how silly I was. Though that makes things no easier to reconcile now that I’m where I am. Or where I’m going.

What I do have is still a blank slate and the inconsistent ego to believe that I can draw on it what I like. That I can pick one of a myriad of favorite things realized or not and chalk it on there. I do know a thing or two about what makes me, me. But as for the rest, I’m just changing my mind every day. And I don't know what it takes to make it, even in a small way.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to strive for the brass ring. I may change the ride I’m on, but never the goal. The goal is to grasp, even if it slips from my grip, even if I lean too far and fall on my optimistic face.

Here's hoping that it pays off. If nothing else, so that one day someone will ask me why I do what I do the way I do it, whatever that may be, and instead of shrugging my shoulders, I’ll simply smile and reply, “Cause I’m a boss.” Because I'll have gotten somewhere, gotten clout somehow. I'll be overseeing something, master of my own universe, reigning over my life.

(And then, because I heart Kelis, perhaps I'll run my tongue over my bejeweled grin and sing the rest, “Diamonds on my neck, di-diamonds on my grill.”)

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love that song.

shellz said...

Gosh! I'm 33, and I don't think it's any clearer than when I was 17....only more complicated. It seems the older you get, the more weighed down you get by obligation and desire and regret. Although I am learning how to live in the moment more, and to appreciate each passing day for what it is - whatever that may be....

Laura said...

Losing the docs was such a traumatizing experience.
Right now I'm collecting degrees to stave off adulthood. I think with a study abroad next year, a second masters, and a Phd, I can successfully stall until I'm 35.

Tulip72 said...

I just so know what you mean!
Recently I went looking for a new washing machine. There were two different kinds that piqued my interest, one only slightly bigger than the other. I told my parents about it, as they wanted to loan me money for it.

I told them: "I won't be a single forever...so I think I take the bigger one".

I hear myself often say that. "One day, when I have a family", or "one day, when I have kids and a nice husband, cats and dogs, a house in the country" etc.

When will that "one day" be? I have no idea, actually.

I am 34 now, no husband in sight.

When I was a kid, I was convinced that at 25 I would have a husband and 2 kids. When I was a teen, I thought, "well, someday, when I'm grown up, I will know how to handle these feelings". Little did I know then.

Believe me, it will not getting easier, only because you're older. On the contrary, it will get more difficult.

ThursdayNext said...

K, my friend Lewis keeps telling me that 30 is the new mid-life crisis age. I have to tell you, I loved this post because I feel like the late twentysomethings like myself are looking to move past the life of our early twenties. I don't know; the older I get the clearer things are, and I disagree with other comments. Just because you are here a few years longer doesnt mean you should lose optimism or strength. Do what you want when you want it...always. The people that matter wont mind and the people who mind dont matter!

Anonymous said...

Oh grow up and go back to the little town from whence you came. Such a typical, boorish attitude found in New York: navel-gazing, chasing celebs, running over people, bashing the opposite gender, and waking up one day soon as a 40-something but still as lost.

K said...

I completely hear what you are saying. Believe me, I'm trying to grow up and it's a struggle! But if you navigate a bit through my site you will see that I do not participate in navel-gazing, nor running over people, nor bashing the opposite sex (though yeah, I'm impressed when I see celebs, you aren't?). In fact I write many posts about how much I hate those things (such as "You mean you've never..." in the archives and just a little below in my post "first access"). Why not look around a bit to really see who I am?

Anonymous said...

I've always found that anyone in new york willing to admit that maybe once they just don't know or just don't get it or just don't understand why everything isn't how it was supposed to be to be refreshing.

This city is filled with bloodless soul-suckers, over enthusiastic about any no-name band or brand, condescending towards anything that is not "individual", and finding a moment of honest insecurity or doubt to be "boorish."

K - I think you're the true individual and anyone demanding that you "shoud grow up and go back to the town you came from," should relinquish their new york badge, becuase the city needs honesty like yours - anything else is just more of the same.

jm said...

I thought I posted a comment but now i don't see it--blogger has been so bad lately. Anyway I second that last comment. Like, are you even reading this site? It's not like that at all! Do us all a favor and leave, hater.

NotCarrie said...

What a great post! And I, too, love Kelis;)

Anonymous said...

This was a fine post, one I easily recognized as feelings I've had. In youth everyone asks you what you want to be and you wish so ardently for adulthood where things'll be easier cause you'll be in charge. No one ever prepares you for the mid twenties, when you still dont know a damn thing and probably wont for a long time.
I smiled and felt sadness when reading this. The aim, it seems, is to be the boss to have a clue a direction. Like the above stated, with age things become clearer, and what has become clear for me is that there isnt ever any control. The harder you try to rein it in the more a spooked beast it becomes. I dont know if the rememdy is to let go, or to beat the animal till you drop, but the lesson is that no one really ever gets to be the boss.
Tho, if anyone gets close, I am sure it will be you.

Lynnlaw said...

I'm turning 30 this month and there are so many things I still feel like I need to do, and places I thought I would be by now, but they are still so far away--things change, though and my dreams are not what they used to be. I think that is a tough reality; to give up one dream for another--always good to have the same goal.

thewritegirl said...

I don't have anything special to add, but I too love to play the "what if" game.

Write On!

themarina said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
themarina said...

At nealry 27, I can also say that I'm still lost. I work because I have to and one day I hope to find something that I love to do. The day will come, I know it will, it's just taking me longer to get there. Best of luck on the journey.

Have a great weekend!

Grant said...

I don't think you can ever stop searching for yourself, even if you reach one hundred years of age. I forget which painter who, at the age of seventy something, had said that everything he had done before was nothing compared to what he could do today.

If we choose to grow and improve ourselves, we will constantly have to reinvent ourselves, and in that reinvention, find more things that we haven't seen or understood before. Part of that process is in self examination. For how else can we judge that we have progressed but looking at what we've done in the past?

For that anonymous person who challenges you to go back to where you came from and grow up, take into consideration their (somewhat exasperated) advice, but choose what is best for you amongst the options you see. Even if you end up lost at forty. Part of the point of life is to experience the journey which that person may or may not recall.

Cheetarah1980 said...

K, when I grow up, I'm gonna be just like you, so my future looks pretty darn clear.

But seriously, I know what you mean about opening the door called what if. I'd rather open it now, then regret not opening it 25 years from now.

*walks off shaking my ass and singing "diamonds on my neck, di-diamonds on my neck....."*

North of You said...

Age is relative, K--I really believe that.

Thanks again for the consistently beautiful writing, which in my opinion shows remarkable maturity and taste. You never write anything that I wouldn't willingly share with my best friends. Your writing is elegant and your questions are elegantly posed. Keep searching and I know you will find what you are looking for.

Oob said...

K, this post hit a strong nerve with me too - but in a good way. I am in this strange new place right along with you, still plodding through day after day trying my damndest to figure out what it all means and where I'm supposed to fit. But at least we're both in want of better things... and doing what it takes to get them.

Buffy said...

If you 'find yourself', get everything, know everything and achieve everything you want by age 30....then where do you go from there? I sometimes like falling a little short...it keeps me reaching.