Monday, November 15, 2010

Slow Justice Is No Justice

This was on a movie poster I saw in the subway. Yes, it was referring to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, but it's apt.

So a week ago I declared that I was in love with someone and not telling that someone was enough for now. Don't. Be. Remiss.

Caring for someone, anyone, is the worst. I don't know why we do it, I don't know why we have no control over it, but I hate love. I have been in it at least half a dozen times and it has done nothing good for me. People have loved me, and I haven't loved them back. That was horrible for everyone involved. And I was on the good end. I would rather never date anyone again than be on the other end.

We saw each other. It was great. Too great. Why couldn't it have sucked more? Then I could go on thinking that I could handle this. Soooo...we are not together. I haven't asked for us to be. I try to keep that to myself. Because if this is a game of chicken, I'm going to win. Texting should be banned between the sexes. He read something in my texts to him on Saturday night that weren't there. He said I was being "weird." He asked to come over at 2:30 in the morning, I was asleep. He doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm lying, that I was out with musicians again. I'm never out with guys in bands! Why is he obsessed with me shacking up with a dude with a guitar just because I work in music? And so I'm getting punished for someone else's assumption. By him pretending he's too busy to talk to me. And by the way? He hadn't contacted me in days before we had this total, utter misunderstanding. So what if I had been with anyone?

There is a reason people break up.

Why why why can't I just not like boys. This one or any of them? They are so annoying! They are so confusing! They say one thing and then act like another. They change their minds all the time. I can't tell you how many have said the following, in this order: they love me, will I be with them forever, they can't be around me because I make them insane, never talk to them again, and please, please, talk to them now, visit them, pick up the phone, they miss me. There needs to be a law against saying all those things to the same person. After the "I love you" mark, you shouldn't be able to change your mind. It would be better, biologically, if we worked that way. I'd love to get a shot that stabilized my emotions for a year, that acted as an immunization against falling for people. A flu shot. Fast and quick and lasts a few months.

Much better than this slow burn. This slow justice for him to torture me because he thinks I tortured him, didn't take care enough of him, relied too much on him, brought him into my world and left him there alone. How many times can a person say sorry? How many times can a person keep trying to rebuild something out of sand?

Well, here's the thing. I've been running from this thing for months on months. I'll never outrun the forces pulling us together, I've got to lay down, out of its sight, and just let it pass.

I'm doing that with these feelings. It will. Just so another feeling about another person can come along. Bah. I'm not contacting him. But you know if he calls, I won't have the heart not to pick up. Will he? Who even cares. It's the same either way, we keep doing this junk until one of us has the means to leave this nonsense and go, love...someone else.

You know what's good today? At least? I think I'm changing the pacing of my book. I'm going to start in the middle and run two storylines together in different times of the book. I know it sounds a little gimmicky, but I'm sure this will fix the problem I have with the book being boring for the first 70 pages. This way, I can cut them.

Coming up with a maybe solution for a 4 year book problem? If that's the result from keeping my phone off all day and not reaching out to him, then maybe this is the right thing after all...


Anonymous said...

The slow breakup is the worst thing in the world I know! If this dude isn't worshipping the grounfd you walk on, he's a total dud. Leave him in the dust and focus on YOU and your amazing books.

Geeky Dior Girl said...

I've been going through this exact same thing for the past 3 years. It is like he is kryptonite to me. So I understand exactly what you are saying and feeling. Best thing I have learned is when its this bad, read something that doesn't require you to think too much or feel too much. c

K said...

GDG. So sorry you are going through this crizzap too! I will definitely read something brain massage-y. What are your favorite cerebral wasters?