I am undeniably, awesomely, hugely lonely.
I said it.
It's like an incredible force of nature I can't stop, I'll be walking along and it will hit me--if I were to simply vanish, having never made a mark on this earth at all, who would miss me, and for how long?
It's not good to think about these things, but whenever you try not to think of something you can only think of that: over and over again. There was a time where I had a bounty of non-loneliness. That ship has sailed. My best friends have moved away or gotten married, my boyfriend went off the deep end and got into two car crashes, his therapist said he ended our relationship from the trauma of the accident, and now drinks 65 drinks a week and has no job and says he's happy (huh? I never thought I'd say this, but um, how do I be more like you? I mean in the happiness part) and tries to make out with me bi-weekly. But work on our relationship? Nope. Tell me what a harpy I am and how I made him into a shell of a man and was always going to leave him for a British musician (who never appeared, btw)? Oh yes. That happens.
This was the person I was going to settle down with? Ugh, my head hurts from hitting itself into a brick wall.
So...no man. No best friend. A handful of decent friends scattered across the country. A lot of moping. A total block in writing since our breakup (hmm more of a break down). Some reading. More moping. I went to a therapist. He said I wasn't depressed enough for drugs. But for expensive long term therapy where I talk about my childhood? Oh yeah, I'm a candidate for that. I don't want to talk about my childhood! I don't want to solve the issue of losing my teddy bear! I want to feel better about my life and I want to feel better right now! Give me a life coach, not this shlock. I'm a planner. I want an action plan. I said this to him and he looked on blankly. No, wait. He said something.
He said, "How does that make you feel?"
He said it a hundred times. I said, "Can you please help me figure out how to not have anxiety or be lonely? Maybe some suggestions of some things to do? Meditation? A vacation? Dating for sport? Joining a knitting club? How to start writing again?"
He said, "Sounds like you'd like to solve your problems. And that you'd like some tools. How does that make you feel?"
The only tool in the room was him.
That's it. I'm doing the only thing that ever works. I'm fleeing to Europe. I bought my ticket, I'm crashing on sort-of-friends-of-friends couches and I'm going to London and stopping somewhere (who knows!) on a train before I hit Amsterdam. It's done. I leave Thursday after work.
Flee therapy to cure loneliness. Let's see if it works. At least I'll have some really good stories and pictures. And it's my first crash vacation totally alone. Who will I meet? Maybe someone fun. Maybe many someones fun.
Bye bye loneliness, I'm leaving you in New York for a while. We need some space. It's not me, it's you. You be lonely for a while and see how it feels. When I'm back, we'll talk.
Of course trips mean much blogging. And writing. They always do...