Monday, July 12, 2010

Only The Lonely

I am undeniably, awesomely, hugely lonely.

I said it.

It's like an incredible force of nature I can't stop, I'll be walking along and it will hit me--if I were to simply vanish, having never made a mark on this earth at all, who would miss me, and for how long?

It's not good to think about these things, but whenever you try not to think of something you can only think of that: over and over again. There was a time where I had a bounty of non-loneliness. That ship has sailed. My best friends have moved away or gotten married, my boyfriend went off the deep end and got into two car crashes, his therapist said he ended our relationship from the trauma of the accident, and now drinks 65 drinks a week and has no job and says he's happy (huh? I never thought I'd say this, but um, how do I be more like you? I mean in the happiness part) and tries to make out with me bi-weekly. But work on our relationship? Nope. Tell me what a harpy I am and how I made him into a shell of a man and was always going to leave him for a British musician (who never appeared, btw)? Oh yes. That happens.

This was the person I was going to settle down with? Ugh, my head hurts from hitting itself into a brick wall. man. No best friend. A handful of decent friends scattered across the country. A lot of moping. A total block in writing since our breakup (hmm more of a break down). Some reading. More moping. I went to a therapist. He said I wasn't depressed enough for drugs. But for expensive long term therapy where I talk about my childhood? Oh yeah, I'm a candidate for that. I don't want to talk about my childhood! I don't want to solve the issue of losing my teddy bear! I want to feel better about my life and I want to feel better right now! Give me a life coach, not this shlock. I'm a planner. I want an action plan. I said this to him and he looked on blankly. No, wait. He said something.

He said, "How does that make you feel?"

He said it a hundred times. I said, "Can you please help me figure out how to not have anxiety or be lonely? Maybe some suggestions of some things to do? Meditation? A vacation? Dating for sport? Joining a knitting club? How to start writing again?"

He said, "Sounds like you'd like to solve your problems. And that you'd like some tools. How does that make you feel?"

The only tool in the room was him.

That's it. I'm doing the only thing that ever works. I'm fleeing to Europe. I bought my ticket, I'm crashing on sort-of-friends-of-friends couches and I'm going to London and stopping somewhere (who knows!) on a train before I hit Amsterdam. It's done. I leave Thursday after work.

Flee therapy to cure loneliness. Let's see if it works. At least I'll have some really good stories and pictures. And it's my first crash vacation totally alone. Who will I meet? Maybe someone fun. Maybe many someones fun.

Bye bye loneliness, I'm leaving you in New York for a while. We need some space. It's not me, it's you. You be lonely for a while and see how it feels. When I'm back, we'll talk.

Of course trips mean much blogging. And writing. They always do...


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the posting this. I've been in a funk all summer. Frustrated, bored, angry, broke, and not looking forward to my second year of graduate school. Thanks for the kick in the ass to go do something fun.

Enjoy the trip!

Anonymous said...

I hate to hear that you're in this funk... but rest assured, it's nothing more than a funkadilly. Sounds like most if not all of this stems from the recent breakup, which you ended for very good reason. One piece of advice if I may- cut him off completely. Do it for both of you. There should not be an opportunity for him to try to make out with you twice weekly. When you're down like you are it's easy to reach out to that person who you know is into you no matter what for the reassurance that you're great... but Do. Not. Do. That!

In re life coaches: I'll give you the number you gave me a few years ago. (877) 768-7029 or (250) 769-2246. Marlene. She's Canadian. It's like talking to your best friend and grandma at the same time. She's amazing and it's all over the phone for cheap.

Have a blast in Europe. Make *new* friends. And buy/download the new Books album and listen to the 1st song on repeat for half a day. Then call me in the morning.


Molly said...

Ooh yes; I'm the last one of my friends left, post-commencement, just months escaped from grad school, and it feels like everything has shifted one or two degrees into the unfamiliar. Like a virtual reality version of a known place, with empty streets and bars filled with laughter I don't have time left to get to know? Moving to NYC soon, which promises a new loneliness.

"I feel you," I say, unhelpfully. Enjoy the grand escape!

Lisa said...

Word word word. I think we are living parallel lives, with the exception of the boyfriend part. My best friend, who I had basically lost to her husband 5 years ago, gave birth to twins yesterday. I guess I'll see her in 18 years.

Flee therapy ALWAYS works for me and I am scraping together my pennies and miles to do the same.

Have a great time!

Anonymous said...

it's the summer of lonely. hang in always comes in waves. this might be a tidal one, so fleeing to europe is the best medicine. feel better, we've all been there. - e