Thursday, November 20, 2008

This. Means. War.

Hey Apple Store,

Hi! Hey! Over here! Look at me! Can you see me? Helloooo? I’m waving to you. Yes, you. Hey, oh look you’re coming over here. Great. Okay I’ll wait. Look at your sleek, pretty exterior. I would wait until the end of time for you.

What’s that Apple store? You need to put me on hold? Sure! You’re busy. What with all those adorably be-speckled clients of yours, in their vests and skinny jeans and new business plans. ZOMG, I totally identify with everyone else. Boy I’m glad I switched to a Mac.

Hey, the hold line is playing music! Yeah, I bet it’s a hot new band cause like, Apple totes knows all the hot new bands, I mean, lookie at those ipod commercials! Oh wait, it’s Ch-Ch-Changes. Ch-ch-changes!

Hey, you’re back! And it was only 45 minutes? Can I just tell you how funny it is that you are playing Ch-ch-changes over and over and over again? That’s totally hilarious. We’re really going through some changes, huh? How about that Obama? CHANGE! Speaking of which, can you spare any?

Right, how silly of me to ask. That was a joke, yeah yeah. A joke. What’s that Apple store? You’re mumbling. I must be hallucinating cause I think you just said you want to charge me almost $900 to fix my computer monitor.

Oh you do? That wasn’t a Klonopin-induced nightmare? I see. (Choking back the rising bile)

No, no, it’s totally fine. I mean, if anyone understands the creative underclass it’s you. Like you wouldn’t charge me that unless you had to right? (Holding back tears).

I mean, you wouldn’t do that to a freelance writer who already lives with three roommates and is awaiting the ax from each magazine as they fold….right?

Oh, you would? You’re a corporate bastard who doesn’t allow a computer that is 9 months old to be covered under your warranty because you make the screen of graham crackers, excitedly awaiting it to crack apart and charge me 1/2 of what it cost to buy this machine in the first place?

I see. (Popping antacids like Pez)

Okay but you would totally give me my computer back really fast right? Cause I have no resources without it, and can’t get new jobs, let alone finish the old ones without the computer right? Oh, you need to put me on hold again. Cool.

Hey, I wonder how long I could live on ramen and slices of that really big meatball I got at dinner the other night and took home, seeing the potential for ten meals from that meatball, if I cut it real thin…

Oh Apple! You’re back! God it feels like we’ve been talking for hours. Days even. Wait, today is Thursday. And you’ve had my computer for a week. And this is our fifth phone call. So, we have been talking for days. Well at least you’re working hard on my—

Oh. You’ve…lost my ticket and haven’t even shipped this thing out to get fixed. Why? Oh, you can’t tell me. No, no, it’s fine! I mean, I’m just a little FRUSTRATED! Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to yell. Okay, so you are putting in the order now. Any chance you can knock off a few bucks for dicking me around so much?

Right, of course not. Pardon me a minute, there’s something I have to do….

(Loading shotgun)


David Tellez said...

Can you load it for two, please? I think I'll need to use it after you. Thanks.

Wrenna said...

I'm so glad you said it. I have these fucking colored bars dancing across my moniter, and can frequently be found muttering, "why do i hate my mac," into the void with a cheery upward inflection.

C-47 said...

Hahahahaha suck it Mac jerk wads.
I own a mac?

Its rad that Steve Jobs' business model called for a priorty to be spent on design because it will attract consumers.

Its a good thing they didnt spend those resources elsewhere.

C-47 said...

Also Apple stock is trading ridiculously low right now.

Im just sayin.... if you got disposable income...

Anonymous said...

I really liked that when I went in there to pick up my $2000+ computer the guy told me to physically install my extra memory on my own, he didn't have time to do it, he had to help people on their $200 iPod issue.