Monday, May 19, 2008

Writer's Bio

Today at work I was compiling writer bios for a new magazine I'm working on. Then I had a brilliant little flash idea--what if someone had asked me for my bio (this has yet to occur)? What, pray tell, would I put into it? My heart? My soul? The truth. Yes! All three!

I got a little excited. If I wrote it, it could read the following:

Kay is a writer who has contributed to {REDACTED FOOD MAGAZINE} , {REDACTED NEW YORK CENTRIC MAGAZINE}, and {REDACTED HIPSTER-HIP HOP-CULTURE MAGAZINE} and many others, most of which you have never heard of {REDACTED LUXURY NICHE MAGAZINE WHERE SHE DROPPED A SNEAKER REFERENCE FOR NO REASON}, {REDACTED SNARKY GOSSIP SITE WHICH NEARLY GOT HER FIRED} and the bathroom wall at work where she wrote that her editor hearts...{insert obscene act}. She is the proud owner of insane mullet-cum-shag hair that is often, if not always, completely inappropriate for work and too many T-shirts with gold lettering.

She enjoys long walks through her garbage-infested neighborhood, muttering "you dirty bastard" under her breath when meeting strangers, then accusing those who make direct eye contact as "stealing her cinnamon", cleaning the microwave at four in the morning, slipping in the shower, and most varieties of cheese. She lives at home with her stuff. And roommates. And her sweet, sweet ipod party mixes, the first of which born last summer.

She is currently working on her first novel, which was set to be titled "The Holy Bible" until it was found out that the title had already been taken by some book no one ever heard of. She is planning a trip to Central America this summer. If she returns, please contact her for work, as she will need it, mostly to show you her great tan, which you better be jealous of, or else the trip wasn't worth it at all, no matter how many cultures she saw and how expanded her mind became.

Yeah, that doesn't sound too bad. Not bad at all...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Dude. That last sentence. My 6th grade grammar teacher just smote the back o' me 'ead. Just for reading it. Ow.

So true about the tan though.

(Hey! Six word biography?)

Anonymous said...

What happened to the girl who wrote a beautiful blog about a summer stint in North Carolina?