Sunday, January 06, 2008

I don't trust people who claim to like greek yogurt, and other observations...

-You know, the ones that say they like it as a snack. As if they prefer it over things like ice cream. I...I just don't believe you. I don't care if you're adding honey, or, as you insist on calling it, "nature's candy" (that's your first problem), if you prefer it over real candy then I mean...I'm just saying...you're probably a communist. That's all. Nothing wrong with it. I mean, it works on paper. Really,*

-One bird in the thing is worth two things in the stuff.

-The flannel shirt I am wearing at this moment retails for $158 at Steven Alan. This seems so wrong and also like poetic justice for all the sins I've committed in my life. Including buying the shirt in the first place (oh how I love it).

-People who say they don't care what other people think of them are probably not well liked.

- I am not scared of my next life phase, in which we will all turn to yuppies. Whole Foods, Barnes and Noble, and my fervent insistence to two separate groups of bearded youngsters this weekend that "when I was your age, Pluto was a planet" has all prepared me for just this.

-Airborne and Zicam do not work, as much as we'd all like them to. I base this on a highly scientific study I've conducted in my bed just now.

-Mothers are always at least half-right.

- The people that act all crazy because they're "artists" and "creative types" and think they don't have to adhere to the common rules of social normalcy and put their heads in their hands when everyone's just trying to have dinner together or vigorously rub their eyes in an affected way of "I'm just trying to control my rage that you don't understand my brilliance" are usually the same people that insist on punching a wall when they're angry and then insist that they don't even feel the shards of plaster embedded in their bloody knuckles and should be avoided at all costs.

-Being mean will get you ahead with all the wrong people.

-Mypod addiction is worse, so so much worse than Blackberry smoking. I almost just based a computer purchase on whether or not I could transfer my songs from one device to another (Mac vs. PC) and afterwards had to go home and sit in a corner and think about what I'd done. You win again, Mac. I need the illusion of being creative, and getting a notebook in black really matches with that ideal, and by that ideal, I mean the aforementioned $158 flannel shirt.

-Boys are all just one hot girl away from cheating on their girlfriends.

-Vitamins smell so terrible, it's just unacceptable. It's like sniffing a condensed foot pellet every time I try to gag one of those horsepills down. Why is there not a patch for vitamins? I would consider thinking about buying that if it were offered at Duane Reade and on sale.

-Give up, never down, at work.

-Not wanting to hang out with someone almost always guarantees that they will always want to, and try repeatedly, to hang out with you. This works both ways.

-Our healthcare system is inherently complicated, most likely because there is a governmental conspiracy to use my wisdom teeth as rogue agents who cannot be extracted from my mouth or else the terrorists will win.

-First all the bands I liked had "wolf" in their name, then "deer" and now it's"bear". I really hope the next round of popular bands is as follows: super glitter merkins, merkin manor, and merkin vs. gherkin (the final showdown for world domination). Pitchfork, are you listening? Make it so.

*Other people I do not trust may or may not include the following: those that wear socks to bed, those that love Monday mornings, those that do not say hello to their doorman, those who speak more than three languages (you might be a robot), those that think any Back to the Future was better than Part II (you might be the devil).

8 comments:

Stephanie Klein said...

Love the list. And woman, don't you know that "nature's candy" are our boogies?

When my sister was caught picking her nose and eating it, she'd say, "Eh, what's the big deal? It's nature's candy."

Have a great week.

Laura said...

OH NO! I love wearing socks to bed. Does the fact that I'm originally from Minnesota give me a pass?

K said...

Steph--eww. But your sister = hilarious. Hope all is fantastic with you.

Laura--you know I trust you, socks or not.

Ha Ha Sound said...

"Boys are all just one hot girl away from cheating on their girlfriends."

I hate to admit it, but that's brilliant. And 8 times out of 10, she doesn't even usually have to be hot. Just slutty.

Buffy said...

Oh but Greek Yogurt is fabulous!

On your face.

My grandma use to give me this nonsense about putting buttermilk on hers.

It's not. Nonsense, that is.

The lactic acid in it....makes for a fabulous DIY facial. Just dont panic at all the red..it will go.
:)

Buffy said...

And another thing...

Oh you're insane woman!! Of course Back to the Future I was better than Volver al Futuro parte deux.

(See how I worked that tri lingual robot thing in there...) :P

K said...

Ha ha---how about hot AND slutty? They go together like chocolate and milk.

Buffy-While I am indeed verifiably insane, I respectfully point you to one word: hoverboard. How mad are you they haven't made this yet? I do remember that hockey puck they invented that "floated on a cushion of air" and I thought it would be like a mini-hoverboard...and how wrong I was. That thing was a total rip.

Buffy said...

I know.

Bastards.