Dear Sir/Madam/a slack-jawed intern who will not finish reading the rest of this,
I am writing to apply for your open editor/freelancer/tightrope walker position at whatever you sell/publish/print, of which I am an avid consumer/reader/lemming. I am currently a editor/freelancer/aging wanna-be hipster at a luxury magazine/design house/LES apartment where I fix troubled copy/manically attempt to dazzle with brilliant turns of phrase like “after mashing arguably the most important caipirinha of his life”/cry myself to sleep on a daily basis.
While my most recent work has been in food/travel/fashion/music/citing Simpsons episodes aloud to the janitorial staff, I also have experience in listing work/marketing/chatting up silver foxes/figuratively whoring myself out to get free wine and/or crudités. I’ve lived in the city since graduating from the school I went to/a better one/the one I heard you went to and I am very familiar with the thing that you are looking for/thing I think you’re really looking for even though you won’t tell me, damn you with your head games/thing that you aren’t looking for at all. I know the value of hard work/kissing ass/a dollar and feel that I lead the lifestyle of/embody the delusional ideals of /buy enough stuff that you would approve of to exhibit my dedication to {insert your brand}. God bless {your brand}. I would have been drinking Pepsi/taken that year off to travel/be dead in a ditch long ago had it not been for {your brand}.*
I have attached my clips/resume/a threatening letter from my lawyer for your consideration.
I look forward to hearing from you/obsessively checking my email twelve times an hour only to never hear back/fielding your inopportune phone call because you insist on ringing my cell when I’m still in the cube I occupy. I hope that we will meet soon/you will find me talented enough to hire/you, upon finding that I am not talented enough to hire, at least find me attractive enough to hire anyway.
Best regards/Cherry Cordially/Happy Kwanza,
K
*If {your brand} is aimed at a youngish demographic, then {your brand} is hott. So, so hott. Your brand is like a first edition kaffiyeh. But way less inflammatory. But like, just as relevant.
If {your brand} is not, then {your brand} raised me with decent morals and a can-do attitude. {Your brand} is storied. {Your brand} is more classic than Dockers. I’d really like to be part of {your brand} at this exciting time because {your brand} is about to be ushered into whatever you want it to/whatever your boss wants it to/the nineteenth century and I have the wherewithal/googling capabilities/family connections to become an integral part of your team.
I am writing to apply for your open editor/freelancer/tightrope walker position at whatever you sell/publish/print, of which I am an avid consumer/reader/lemming. I am currently a editor/freelancer/aging wanna-be hipster at a luxury magazine/design house/LES apartment where I fix troubled copy/manically attempt to dazzle with brilliant turns of phrase like “after mashing arguably the most important caipirinha of his life”/cry myself to sleep on a daily basis.
While my most recent work has been in food/travel/fashion/music/citing Simpsons episodes aloud to the janitorial staff, I also have experience in listing work/marketing/chatting up silver foxes/figuratively whoring myself out to get free wine and/or crudités. I’ve lived in the city since graduating from the school I went to/a better one/the one I heard you went to and I am very familiar with the thing that you are looking for/thing I think you’re really looking for even though you won’t tell me, damn you with your head games/thing that you aren’t looking for at all. I know the value of hard work/kissing ass/a dollar and feel that I lead the lifestyle of/embody the delusional ideals of /buy enough stuff that you would approve of to exhibit my dedication to {insert your brand}. God bless {your brand}. I would have been drinking Pepsi/taken that year off to travel/be dead in a ditch long ago had it not been for {your brand}.*
I have attached my clips/resume/a threatening letter from my lawyer for your consideration.
I look forward to hearing from you/obsessively checking my email twelve times an hour only to never hear back/fielding your inopportune phone call because you insist on ringing my cell when I’m still in the cube I occupy. I hope that we will meet soon/you will find me talented enough to hire/you, upon finding that I am not talented enough to hire, at least find me attractive enough to hire anyway.
Best regards/Cherry Cordially/Happy Kwanza,
K
*If {your brand} is aimed at a youngish demographic, then {your brand} is hott. So, so hott. Your brand is like a first edition kaffiyeh. But way less inflammatory. But like, just as relevant.
If {your brand} is not, then {your brand} raised me with decent morals and a can-do attitude. {Your brand} is storied. {Your brand} is more classic than Dockers. I’d really like to be part of {your brand} at this exciting time because {your brand} is about to be ushered into whatever you want it to/whatever your boss wants it to/the nineteenth century and I have the wherewithal/googling capabilities/family connections to become an integral part of your team.
5 comments:
ha!!!
I feel like the application process is purposefully designed to kill your soul. Maybe it's just me, but the cover letter always seems a self-esteem crushing venture.
This post captured the agony perfectly.
How many times have i wanted to send that instead of the polite version?
Politeness is overrated.
Haha! I love the closing, Cherry Cordially.
This would make an excellent template for anyone embarking on job-seeking hell this year... speaking of which, Happy New Year, K.
This is the reason why I haven't started looking for another job... The cover letter is one of the most painful parts! Wish I could send someone this version.
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