Once upon a time in a land ten blocks away, I lived in an apartment with a rotating crop of roommates and dust-bunny pets and stories of throwing up black in the sink and pineapple pajamas and days of sitting on the couch in the winter when we brought our comforters out and watched terrible movies and games. There were off-color jokes, sexual exploits re-told each Sunday, the beginning of such never-die jokes like "Dead Weight K" and open, billowing man-robes, and there was something even more fantastic. God made man, and saw it was good. God made "Average Joe", and saw it was freaking amazing.
So today, dear friends, if you remember this show, or never even heard of it, let me re-paste something that might bring back fond memories of it for you. The three year old journal entry of my good old roommate, remembering perhaps the best reality show moment of all time, with my commentary starred:
"Average Joe: Hawaii had one of the most entertaining
endings to a show that has ever been on TV. After a
dozen or so episodes where the girl (I already can't
remember her name, that's how long reality stars are
in the limelight) has to choose between the nerds or
the hunks**, the show came down to one final episode.
She had to choose between Brian and Gil.
**If you'll recall, when the hunks arrived on the island there was a teaser to the upcoming episode where this barge blowed in across the waters and all the dudes on the "poop deck" had their shirts off, oiled and toned in the setting sun. It was then I made the following joke: "That boat should be called the "S.S. Chest!" My boyfriend at the time didn't laugh so I repeated it even louder, naturally, cause that's what you do when someone doesn't appreciate such a fine nugget of comedy gold such as that.**
Brian was a nerd just like all the nerds that you
know. He hangs out with nerds in his local bar
talking about nothing but sports**. He even almost
professed his love for this girl who he has known for
what, a dozen or so episodes. His Boston accent makes
the guys in Good Will Hunting sound like Tony Blair.
But Brian cares, and he's deep (or at least as deep as
a person can be on one of these shows).
**And calculators! Hey o!**
Then there's Gil. Gil's a pretty boy who probably
doesn't have much going on in his head. When asked
what he wants to come of the show by the girl, he
responds that "he wants to be an actor. of course."
He isn't trying to win over the girl with this simple
set up question. He just wants to be an actor.**
So here's the dilemma of this brilliant NBC reality
show. Does she pick the dorky guy who's really sweet
and deep or the beautiful guy who doesn't have much
brain function and probably doesn't like her nearly as
much? Like there was a doubt in the mind of anyone in
America, she obviously picks Gil.
Now, I'm not calling her shallow. Most people
(probably including myself) would have done the same
thing in her situation. And while this should have
been the debate of the show and the shocking
conclusion, NBC upped the ante and gave us more.
A startling secret was in her past. Many people may
have thought that she used to be a stripper or that
she was married. Maybe even, she used to be a man.
Although, with only about 5 minutes left of the show,
it couldn't have been that good or NBC would have
Super-Sized it like they tend to do with their
shows(and I tend to do with my extra-value meals).**
**He's not kidding. You should see this man order wings. Actually, you shouldn't.**
So what was this startling secret going to be? Let's
tell this part in present tense for dramatic effect.
They are talking on the beach. She says that it has
been long enough and now it is time to get this off
her chest and be honest. So she says it,
"MY EX-BOYFRIEND IS FABIO"
Somewhere a record player scratches and the wrong
notes are slammed on a piano.
Now, many things could have happend at this point.
Fabio could come riding in on a horse, shirtless, man
pecs in all their glory, sharing a hairstyle with his
equine companion, and take her away as a punishment
for picking the hunk Gil. Or maybe Gil and Fabio
could fight for the honor of their mutual love
interest. Maybe everyone at home could be happy and
she could go back to Boston and bust in on the
Dungeons and Dragons tournament and make out with
Brian in slow motion.
Right as my imagination was spinning faster than
Deluxe's wheels in that Loews Coca-Cola commercial, it
was suddenly grinded to a halt when I realized that I
never could have guessed what was going to happen.
What did happen was dumbfounding and more disturbing
than anything that happened on the entire show, a
shame since they only reserved 5 minutes for this
event. Our pretty boy Gil, lost it. He couldn't
believe that she dated Fabio.** So he had to leave her.
After wooing this woman for the past however many
weeks, beating out 15 or so other Joes and Hunks, Gil
feels like he has to give it all up because she dated
Fabio at one point. To pacify viewers, Gil said that
any guy would have acted the way he did. I mean, come
on, she dated Fabio. Gil left and the show ended,
with Brian sad, the girl sad and Gil outraged because
she dated Fabio.
**Do you remember this? There was all sorts of bleepity bleep bleep and him being like, "Damnit! Noooooo!" and throwing himself into the ocean. Where oh where is the S.S. Chest when we need it. Take me home, beautiful sea-men!**
So what did we learn from Average Joe: Hawaii? We
learned that in the end, people are going to choose
the better looking, less nerdy mate. We learned that
no matter how much the nerd tries, he's still not
going to get the girl (unless he's rich, proved by
other reality shows). We learned that if a bunch of
guys see a machine that might possibly detonate a
bomb, they will use it. We learned that a man who has
different beards on both sides of his face will never
get the girl**. We learned that we should have better
things to do on Monday nights. And finally we learned
that if you're going to ask one question to a girl
before you start dating her, it should always be: Did
you ever date Fabio?"
**Speaking of this, that guy with the two different beards on one face was so weird! One was a lightening bolt and the other was like an exclamation point or something. Trashy men of America, be warned. Do not, and I repeat, do not, break out of your dayjob as a Wang computer brochure coordinator and decide to get "creative" with your facial hair. Your face is not a community college graphic design class.**