Thursday, August 09, 2007

Under Pressure

My dreams are starting to involve complicated life lessons taught by David Bowie and Freddy Mercury. The outfits are spectacular but the end result is kinda disturbing.

I do not have a goal, commit an act, or decide a thing that is not wrapped in confusion and wracked with self-doubt. Is. This. What. Is. Supposed. To. Happen.

Or am I distracting myself and veering off course? Where are the checks and balances for this shiz?

This may or may not be related to my hard-won issues with attachment.

I don’t want it; I want it. I don’t have it; I have it. My five year plan has to be scaled down to months because I have too many ideas and not enough hours. I still plan on going to grad school. And finishing my book. And volunteering to teach underprivileged kids art lessons. And intern somewhere because my freelancing has all but halted. Not even planning on it, I’m actually seriously taking the steps for all these things. But are any of them right? And what will I have to give up to gain access to them?

I want to make a palpable difference in the world. No, actually, here’s my horrible secret. Sometimes I merely want to want to. Sometimes this makes me a bad person, I know. I’m coming to terms with it. Very, very slowly. I wonder about the cost of going after what I want. Because so little of the time do I know what I want.

My brain is not unique or powerful in the slightest, yet it doesn’t know that. It instead thinks, about everything, all of the time, regardless of its unachieved potential or state of worthwhile. I have to slow it down with my patented one-handed clapping or else something is going to give, or be given up.

To come? Shiny pants and—if we’re really lucky—answers, for all.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

you seem to be doing pretty well to me. thinking too much is a mark of almost-genius i think.

keep thinking or not. but don't ever stop writing.

Anonymous said...

I vote for shiny pants!

Ha Ha Sound said...

Yeah, nothing wrong with being ambitious. And I believe that not being content is the first step in achieving goals.

That said, you have to chill out and just relax every once in a while.

Anonymous said...

Bitch bitch bitch.

You're still pretty funny though.

chin up sugarpie!

goodness gracious! said...

you're gonna figure it out. i swear.

bohémienne said...

The best thing about being as hard on yourself as you are, is that you don't have to worry about succeeding, since you've already decided the outcome in advance.

Give yourself a break.

My favourite song, by the way. :)

Buffy said...

Ok. I've only read the first line...still, I had to stop and say.

HOW MUCH I ADORE FREDDIE.

And THIS. Has been my theme song for...like..ever.

Buffy said...

You know what, I'm five years further along than you. Not with the plan. Just with the age.

I want to do a million things. Some things I need to do. Some things I just want to do and some things, like you, I just want to want.

Here's what I've learned.

Multitasking is great in theory,or in the office, but when it comes to the big things, unless you're able to completely detach yourself from life and all its trimmings ... you need to take it one day at a time. One step at a time.

I'm constantly working on ten different projects. And I'm making decent progress at all of it. But I'm not excelling at any of it. I use to. I want to again.

So I have this new plan. Prioritisation. Simple huh? Looking at what's most important to me. The want that's become the need. I'll get to the other things. In due course. For now...it's this damn writing.

You're young. And talented. And incredibly witty. You have plenty of time to do it all. But for now, just focus.

It could be worse. You could be complacent. And wouldn't that just suck.