Friday, July 27, 2007

The other side...

There is a flicker in my stomach today; a nervousness for some reason. I can’t place it. Momentary anxiety about life in general. Upcoming. Ongoing. Past-present missteps.

I feel slowly and think quick, though never on my feet. I’m unsure of so much and dependant on so little. I cracked a joke in a conversation that I felt like I was just a figment of my drink-date’s imagination. And said friend laughed for about a half second before vehemently agreeing. That’s how I come across sometimes and the friend pressed for more details and all of a sudden it seemed true. That I was a hologram of sorts. That I was an image and served a purpose; a party favor, a goodie bag.

It was a compliment, and then it was incredibly sad. I carry around The Inheritance of Loss, just forty pages shy of the conclusion and I text while watching bad TV on someone else’s couch. My dichotomy is one in which I reach without stretching my arms, I sing with no voice and I wish but can’t get past the second act. There is a hurdle that has planted itself and on the other side is who I am supposed to be, with the job and the golden circle and the love I thought I was supposed to have. My novel collects dust because the main character has to become an adult and I cannot write what I don’t yet know.

And on the other side is…a question of depth. If I possess the complexity to achieve the expectations. That the desire I have is founded and not just a pipe dream.

I don’t know what I want, but even further, I’m unsure if once I decide, I should be allowed to have it…

4 comments:

Ani said...

Very well expressed. I think we all go through periods of feeling like a hack, an impostor or invisible. Some of us get stuck there, in the spiritworld. But I can't help thinking that when you write like this, you're validating yourself. You're not a figment of anyone's imagination. You come alive through your words.

Anonymous said...

I agree. We all feel like we don't deserve things. But we do. YOU DO!

bohémienne said...

Some of what you said seems to have come straight out of my own thoughts. Wondering whether I should risk freeing or exploring my depths, in fear that maybe there aren't any. What if it's better to exist here on the surface, where I can continue to tell myself that, if I chose to go further, it would be remarkable.

Well expressed.

Anonymous said...

This was well written,