Thursday, May 24, 2007

Mush Brain, Beard Face

I am no stranger to fake beards. My senior film project practically revolved around one (“You want a beard? Oh, I’ll give you a beard.” Some of the finest collaborative writing I’ve ever been a part of was in that twelve minute short). But last night, during Lost, and mesmerized by Jack’s heavily glued tufts, I could only think of that doctor on Scrubs with the big beard, and everyone always says to him “Get outta here Dr. Beardface!” and he always says “It’s Dr. Beard-Fah-chay, damnit! I am so sick of this!” Leave it to my feeble mind to reference one TV show with another.*

But seriously, for those who still have DVR-filled devices, don’t read further or else I’ll spoil it.

Charlie so did not have to die! That was weak! Run out of there, push Desmond into the water and both of you swim to the surface! Was it really necessary for him to close the door and lock it to take all the water in that enclosed space? Even if Desmond had run in there just because Penny’s face was on the video, there would have been more than ample time to check it out and then run out of there as the water spilled out of that room and into the rest of that station. That thing is monstrous, there would have been at least twenty minutes of time to get out and swim underneath and back to the surface. And what’s with Cyclops having more lives than Jason from Halloween?

And another thing, even if Charlie wanted to contain the water from coming in to somehow save Desmond’s life (not that that makes a lick of sense, but hey, I’ll play devil’s advocate), he already demonstrated his ability to hold his breath fairly long by getting down there, why then couldn’t he have waited for the pressurized water to stop gushing in, and then swum out of the little circle hole? You may say he was too big, but let me stop you right there. I saw Lord of the Rings, and hobbits are only about three feet high and maybe two feet in circumference (except for that chubby one, wow, Rudy has really let himself go). So hobbit Charlie, by reasonable calculations (or not) could have gotten out that way. Otherwise, Lost again tantalizes me with her siren song and minimal payoff.

Better than other season finales, but still I have to say, I thought all that Jack beard filler was nonsense—you’re a drunk who’s addicted to pills and no one loves you, wah wah wah, join the club, dude! You don’t see me whining about it. And if that really was the future (flash-forward versus flash-back), why the heck did you tell the new chief of surgery to get your father down there? The dude’s been dead for years! And also, all that teasing with who actually died was lame. No one showed up to the funeral but it was enough for you to try to off yourself? Yeah, that makes sense. Not! I’m just frustrated because I have to wait three months to find out—or knowing Lost—three years.

Wow, my brain is turning to mush. Thank goodness TV is ending so I can go jump around outside.

*PS. Zach Braff, you may fool other people, but not me. Just because you slapped together a half-decent soundtrack after reading a bunch of Pitchfork reviews (good call SNL) does NOT mean you are the greatest mind of our generation! Now quit acting like you’re under 30 and in The Shins. Plus, your chest is weird, like really, really weird. Please stop showing it all the time. You’re making us sick. Like really, really sick.


debo said...

My prom date lives in LA and has been on Scrubs a few times and is friends with Zach Braff and told me they always make fun of him because his only Oscar nomination was for his sountrack. I think that's how the story goes. Sorry for the run-on sentence, I'm sure it made you cringe.

Amo said...

Awwww, K I have to say, this is the first time I've never agreed with you like 100% Zach is my life and I love him and wish that he would marry me....and you make me so sad by saying his chest is scary. HE CAN'T HELP IT!!!!

And the shins are awesome. And so was Garden State. And so is Scrubs.

I know I sound like a 5-year old here, but seriously...I love Z.

Anonymous said...

Oh I disagree,

Zak Braff is annoying! I used to like him but all that self-congratulating nonsense is just too far. His appearance on SNL was the worst ever. He needs to stop masturbating to his own pictures every night.

Good call.

Anonymous said...

The dude BLOWS!

C-47 said...

As we speak I am working on a film with Dominic Monaghan. I'll forward your irritation about his death to him for you.

p.s. Although not three feet tall he is a slight man, but quite nice.

C-47 said...

also... f zach braff. I don't own a tv but everytime i see that dude i am reminded that he is why melvins and atomic wedgies were invented by bullies.

k said...

Hey, don't get me wrong, I think there was absolutely something endearing about him to begin with, and I really love Scrubs, and The Shins (and am on the fence about Garden State but don't feel strongly either way)...I even would go so far as to say I think JD (the character) is great and hilarious, but there is something about Zach Braff the actor I don't trust...maybe it was during Punk'd when he almost beat up a child..or why does he keep writing in reasons to show off his body and have hot girlfriend after hotter and hotter girlfriend? It sort of feels like an ego thing...that too with his constant rallying cry of him being the voice of our generation or something...I don't know what it is...but I'll get to the bottom of it!

Amo said...

Well I had no idea that so many people had such strong feelings against my darling Z. And debo...can you get me his number? Just kidding. Sort of. He said he wants to move to NYC this summer; it'd be the perfect summer fling!

Another Twentysomething said...

Lost is driving me nuts, K! I think I should wait until 2010 and watch the entire series on DVD, knowing there is an end in sight

michelle said...

I agree with your assessment of the Lost finale ... all build up and no pay off.

And I hate to be the bearer of bad news ... new episodes won't be on until February 2008 ... they are running them sans reruns, but you'll still have to wait 8 whole months for the pain to resume.