Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Boss

Team bonding is a must at the office, she tells me, and with bonding comes alcohol, always.

A new boss buys rounds of shots for everyone. Many Lemon Drops later, the team is snatching pizza from each other's hands, laughing through mouthfuls of cheese at sexual innuendos. She eats four slices--can I believe it?--sure I can, I've done it too, I say--and then she announces she's heading home to bed.

The boss lives far from the island in a duplex with his wife and young daughters. He's slipping, he's slurring, he can't brace the journey. He asks, in front of everyone, if he can sleep over--can I believe it?--sure, he's drunk I say--and then she throws him a skeptical look.

No funny business, he says, and at this antiquated turn of phrase, he's believed.

He treks to the Upper West with her--a generous girl--with no extra bedroom. He snores gratefully through the night on the air mattress as she shivers under the second-best blanket (she's always been a gracious hostess).

She wakes him the next morning, they ride uncomfortably to work together, they share aspirin. We IM over it, how funny, how weird, we say. Won't the wife be angry, I think. But he was her boss, she replies, how could she say no?

She comes home to clean, work out, start the weekend, deflates the plastic and notices something.

It's wet.

As is the blanket, the sheets, even an edge of the pillow. And it smells.

She calls me, laughing, frantic, confused.

"K...my new boss...the one with a wife...and a daughter...that got drunk...and insisted he sleep over...and I'm nice...so I let him...you know the one...he...he peed on my air mattress!"

The new boss's first order in the office? Soiling the extra bedclothes of his inferior.


So, is now a good time to ask for a raise?

4 comments:

Mdx said...

Ha ha! Good story. That’s the kind of leverage you need as an employee (I can relate). Next time set him up, and take pictures.
I had a boss who got drunk in front of 20 people and started proclaiming that she wanted to fuck Bon Jovi. Someone filed a complaint with HR and a week later she quit, after years with the company. We don’t do the drinking after work anymore. Also reminds me of the time my former roommate had a couple of drunk friends over and one of them gets up to go to the bathroom, so I go in my room and there he is pissing in my trash can, and I say “what the fuck are you doing?”

D.T. said...

LMAO! What is it with bosses and group drinking? It's like drinking insane amounts of alcohol with a group of people will equal life-long friends. Remember my director friend, Jeff? In a way, he's sorta my boss, and this past weekend, he got arrested for a DUI...of course, I was the one who gave him the drugs, but that's a whole 'nother story...and hey! At least he's not a bed-wetter, eh?

Belle said...

definite raise!

K said...

I think at this point she's a bit too embarrassed to bring it to his attention (what if he doesn't remember? she tells me)--but I think she should definitely get assigned to a plum project after putting up with that...

Not quite peeing in Maddox's trash can, but close...