Monday, April 19, 2010

I Left My Heart in San Francisco...Figuratively Speaking

Well, you were right, it was incredibly beautiful and amazing! It was like a big Brooklyn on the beach. It was spitting rain and the waves were crashing, everything was like a green jewel shot through with gray. It was incredibly romantic. And I was alone.

There was a grown-up's BBQ, an awkward glass of wine, laughing around the grill.

There was a crashing on a couch, sharing of playlists, shouting at the T.V. as we waited for the clouds to clear.

There was the hours spent with my second love, the first person I thought I'd marry, and the cold ocean between us. I thought of another life, the one I missed, could I, would I ever reclaim it? He is the only, and I mean only, friend I have in the area. And he. Is. Not. A. Friend.

At best we are neutral, are we? I wondered if he had changed and then he told me, as he reached finally for his ever-buzzing phone, that I needed to be quiet. That he had lied to his current girlfriend and I was his friend "Matt" visiting from out of town. She sounded happy on the other line, trusting. A false happiness. I know it well. That's when I stopped wondering if he had changed.

I walked around alone, had coffee by myself, jittery and with nothing to do, thumbing through the local newspaper, mentally circling all those things I would not, could not do. I was leaving in mere hours and I had done everything I could do in the time allotted. I had met new friends haphazardly, just by trying on a dress, we had been out all night, dancing in a circle, they had already called me. "Move here!" They urged. "We can see you in San Francisco."

I laughed, "You don't even know me!"

"Sure we do, why do we have to know you any more than this, we can tell."

I missed them as soon as I said goodbye. My ride to the airport was a friend in trouble, she and I do know each other and know it well, but she will have moved away by the time I arrive.

Am I running to something, or am I running away?

I got a new job this week. They will pay for 80% of my tuition if I stay in NYC. I got into three schools in California. My ex boyfriend is in California.

I got waitlisted at three schools in New York. My ex boyfriend is in New York. I love them both, want to be near them both, and dually want to be so far away, want to be alone.

Be alone at home, or somewhere all together new? Experience home like I never have, with the perfect job and finally have money and save for a year and then go out to San Francisco, when I'm an inch closer to knowing who I am, when my head is clear, when I've had one more year to work on both my novels, to finish art school once and for all, to write unencumbered?

Or give up the new job, the NY connections and my beautiful apartment and get another roommate, learn how to drive a car again (this is no small feat), and go immediately into debt?

I know, I know, I wanted so badly to go to school. But I want so badly to move with someone. Not that I can't do it alone, I just don't know if I'm quite ready. It's so fun to be single in Brooklyn, it's so comforting. I write instead of go out and I do a good job during the day and I go to the gym and I feel monastic even. I am full of indecision, as always. I could defer and work here until December and then go for a six month backpacking trip. I could.

When you're alone, you can do anything...

Lots to think about today...


Anonymous said...

I love this entry very much <3

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you've already made your choice, a bit reluctantly, but still, it sounds like you know what to do. New York will always beg you (and all its natives) to stay. It's like a relationship where you're not entirely happy, but the alternative never seems quite good enough to burn bridges, to leave. In this case, it sounds like NYC trumps San Fran. As usual. It always trumps anywhere else. Damn New York.

eleanorstrousers said...

I dunno. Having hauled myself from Atlanta to New Jersey to Pittsburgh to DC and back to Pittsburgh alone, I can highly recommend striking out in a new direction. It sucks for a few months and then comes with a brand new adventure. I say, unless you have current (non-ex) ties, go for it.