Sunday, March 07, 2010

Uh Oh, planning my next great escape

When trauma happens...I leave.

Am anxiously awaiting hearing positive word from agents and schools (don't worry, I'll tell you when I hear anything good and won't tell you if I hear anything bad) and the waiting is K-I-L-L-I-N-G me. Doesn't help that I'm bearing this burden alone this time as the boy, well...that's a very tricky situation. There's just a girl. Me. And I am crawling the walls.

I think I want to go away on another epic adventure. One where I write a lot, one where I meet a lot of people, one where I come away having a lot to say. Right now I'm silenced by the silence. Best friends have moved away, boys have broken down because of the economy, big beautiful apartment all to myself. Which would be great if I were the kind of person who liked to be still. I'll be plenty still when I'm dead.

Must. Stop. Looking. At. Southeast. Asian. Airfare.

And instead look at an empty email inbox? No, that can't be the answer either.

Le sigh.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

There is always a boy! A boy is a boy, a man is a man, and you deserve them all, my dear.

Nicole said...

I'm a grad student at UC-Irvine and I was wondering when you would hear about acceptances. I wish you the best of luck, and though I'm not sure what you mean about "the boy," I can say that my long-term, live in relationship fell apart the week I started grad school and its turned out to be one of the best things that has happened to me. Good luck with acceptances and chin up!

K said...

Thanks so much Anon and Nicole. Oh Irvine would be divine.

Nicole, I'm not sure what I mean by "the boy" either. Just that for the moment, we are not together. Just as I'm waiting to hear rejection and acceptances from school AND the book.

Why all at once? Because God is a sadist?

I'll go with that one because it makes me smile, albeit briefly...

Nicole said...

You didn't ask for a pep talk, but I can't resist. I hope that's ok. ;)

I was an anxious wreck before I started grad school last fall. I decided on Irvine at the very last minute, and left behind a well-paying (but not right for the long term) job for school and student loans at age 28, when I thought I *should* be done with school and moving on to marriage and a mortgage. It was a huge, terrifying leap of faith that I was truly thisclose to not doing.

I was so stressed and counting on my boyfriend to be there emotionally (and I'll say it, to pay the rent while I was in school-- I contributed 40% while I was working to basically live in his house and he is stable and comfortable financially). That all fell apart a few days before my birthday and during the first week of class, which all sounds so much worse than it was. Being screwed over like that has made it so much easier to get over him. At the end of the day, I came to see that if grad school scared him off, there was no way he could do marriage and children with me. I take risks in life and I need a partner with some balls who can keep up.

Trust me, you can and will get through this, earn your MFA, and be a better person for it. ;)

K said...

Nicole, I would like to be best friends with you if that is possible, though I am SO sure the position is already filled.

That pep talk was exactly what I needed and more...

Nicole said...

That's so sweet, K. And I totally get that your boy drama is probably completely different from mine. I hope I didn't project too much. ;)