Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Mean Girls: Yoga Edition

I'm trying to get back into yoga. Used to love it. But ever since I got a trainer that left me sore for days after running suicides, I let the yoga classes fall by the wayside. Plus they were always so damn full, every time someone did Warrior 2, I'd nearly loose my head by some errant jerk who wasn't watching their elbow.

But still, I have gone three times this week--I need the flexibility, like the deep breaths, and even get some sort of sick thrill from the yoga instructor adjusting my poses. It feels like a mini-massage, but painful. And it makes me feel like we're friends. I get it, I'm lonely for friends now that I don't go into an office. Don't judge me, a yoga instructor counts as a friend! Even though she doesn't know my name! Right? *Sigh*

So anyway, today. I finished up working out exactly at 11:30. Yoga class starts at 11:30, but people usually mill around for at least 45 seconds so I figure if I can grab a mat and head to the back quietly, I'm golden. Except the clock in the yoga room is FAST. Five minutes fast to be exact. How do I know this? I'm in the gym five days a week and know which clocks are right and which aren't. No one ever said I wasn't a loser.

So I come in and people are sitting in lotus, ready to begin. There is a girl who looks to have not have eaten or gotten laid in about four years taking up two spaces with her mat, sweatshirt, shoes, etc. I make eye contact with her, all she has to do is move six inches to the left and we're good to go. I walk around her. I smile. I say, "Thanks so much, sorry to make you move." Keep in mind this is a FREE CLASS AND NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET.

She doesn't say anything. Let me also tell you that I am sandwiched between her and the wall. I can't move. She must. There is about two feet to her left that she can move and still give the girl on the other side plenty of room. Me, I just want six inches. The girl moves from sitting position to standing--a perfect opportunity to scoot her mat. Does she? I think you know the answer.

Instead she begins stretching her arms in sun pose (is that what it's called). And looks at me with daggers in her eyes as I stand there patiently waiting for her to move. And says "Watch it, my arms are coming out." I stand, mouth agape. "Okay, I say. Maybe if we both moved..." I trail off.

I do nothing, I can't start any of the poses, I can't start anything, because it's apparently more important in this life for this girl to push me out of the way. After she moves through several exercises and I've been able to do nothing, I say "I'm so sorry, could you move a little?"

She doesn't respond.

After a few more, I ask again. Now I've wasted a good four minutes of workout waiting for her to do the right thing. "I'm sorry, can you move over just a little?"

Nothing. Finally I say, "Are you even going to move at all?"

To which she hisses "YOU CAN WAIT GOD DAMNIT!" Other people look.

The instructor looks at us, confused, as if she can't understand why this girl won't move to the side. I want to say "I know, right!" Instead I say nothing.

Girl continues hissing at me. "You're just going to have to wait, got it? And by the way, YOU WERE LATE!"

And then, here's the kicker. She proceeds to loudly breathe the entire time, as if my 10 seconds forcing her to move have entirely unbalanced her chakra, and goes on to restart everything she did before, and even though the instructor gives her extra time, makes a huge deal of not doing the rest of the moves everyone else does. Can I catch up with them even though this girl robbed me of a good five minutes? Of course I can! It's a free yoga class people! Not the army! She thought she was so much better than everyone else that she took all these long breathing breaks and make a big deal of doing the poses really slowly (and might I mention, badly as the instructor comes over to her more than once and moves her around). I'm not saying the instructor didn't come to me, she did (and you know I loved it! Free touching equals mini-massage!), but if this chick was soooo much better than everyone else and I set her off so badly by forcing her to be a human being and treat other people in her FREE YOGA CLASS like other human beings, then she better be doing the Lotus upside down.

I remember why I stopped yoga in the first place. I want to offer her a cheeseburger, but it would have done no good. Fine, I'll go get one myself.


golublog said...

And yoga is supposed to relax you, no?

David Tellez said... if!

Maybe it's best to practice yoga at your local fast food restaurant.

Who says picking up a cheeseburger from the table and putting it to your mouth isn't a good way to get in an arm curl?

Meera said...

ALL OUR YOGA PRACTICES SHOULD BRING US INTO THE MOMENT. whoops. Didn't mean to shout. Anyway, Eckhart Tolle talks about watching the mind when it is nattering, and her's was definitely nattering, and not experiencing the bliss of yoga. Too bad, a missed opportunity.

Lindsay Champion said...

I think she's doing it wrong. Next time get there an hour early and lie across the spot she usually takes until the class starts..

lindsay ||

Broady said...

Lindsay read my mind. Get there early and take "her" spot next time-- drives people like her nuts. Or if you can't do that, sit next to her and distract her with your version of her loud breathing. Even though it wouldn't be very relaxing, you might get some satisfaction out of it.

K said...

Yoga warfare--it's on!

This girl has NO IDEA that I have nothing better to do with my life then engage in psychological battle with her. I'm fighting for humankind here!!!! For all the girls who have been bullied in yoga, this is for you.

I will report back with updates.