Monday, August 04, 2008

Where do I live?

Home from Central America for 36 hours and then I'm on a flight to Chicago, nerve to swerve enough to jump back on the music scene and Santogold's hit the saturation point and I can recognize only 60% of the names on Lollapalooza's bill.

Well, if that's all I've missed in nearly 2 months away, it can't be all bad.

So we ran around some, saw Spank Rock, Grizzly Bear (amazing), Lupe Fiasco, CSS, Radiohead (unreal), Cadence Weapon, Foals, Battles, Does it offend you, yeah? etc. Chicago was bathed in a golden light, or maybe it's the fact that right now, I only see metallic, I'm so tan I look like I hail from Long Island. Hey-o! The boy says I'm a new race now and it feels pretty great not to be Nilla for a bit, even if I'm back to just being me.

So how to catch up, chase back what I left behind, that book growing moss on its side, that friendship I forgot to remember, that new roommate, that room that needs to be soundproofed because I play music too loud, and truth be told, I myself, am just too loud anyway.

I'm at a desk and it feels funny. Runny. I didn't look out the window once, I've been out there all summer, slapping on war wounds and accumulating picture after picture that has no place to be shown here. They want to see them, and what can I show? I couldn't snap a photo when we half-drowned in the lake, slightly smashed an ATV but really smashed up our own bodies, when I dropped a marshmallow into a pit of lava, when I realized that I didn't miss a single thing from home. Good trips do that it seems. They end when they're supposed to, and leave you to begin another. They make you wait to see The Dark Knight. They bruise you up so you can show everyone that you took the time to get out there, and it's a small victory, because well, you came back, and to some, that itself is a failure.

People say, they just "stayed" and I think to myself, who packed up your apartment? Who told your mother you were going to quit school and become a bartender in Nicaragua, huh? You big liar. You just stayed? No way, you had to go home, wrap up loose ends, say goodbye to say hello and all that, right?

But that's just the knee-jerk. Cause really inside, I'm thinking, I wonder when I will just stay somewhere. Just find the right place in the world to become who I want to be, and be still. Because I don't know how to be still. And really, I don't know if I ever want to...


Anonymous said...

you live in ny and that is cool.

rebecca said...

oh, how wonderful that you are doing all of these things right now. you seem to be living your life at the peak of your youth just as it should be. good for you. go out, explore, learn, find out what you want, what you don't want, have fun...

i'm enjoying your blog very much and will come to visit often for some vicarious living of course!