Sunday, July 06, 2008

This is why everyone hates Americans

Our two players enter. A good looking and yet extremely intense and creepy Israeli soldier aged 25 years and your intrepid reporter...our scene begins in a coed hostel bungalow in the rolling hills of Guatemala, overlooking a raging river, a happy community of hippies, and one of the most beautiful limestone pools ever known. It is now eleven PM.

Me, sleeping, drooling, having not showered in at least three days/ ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Israeli soldier/ Koi? Koi?

Me, sleeping/ Uh, are you talking to me?

Israeli soldier/ Yes, Koi, are you sleeping?

Me, sitting up/ My name is Kay, not Koi.

Israeli soldier/ I am being very brave to tell you this. I would like to give you many kisses. Your hair is a beautiful condition and your eyes are the big circles.

Me, trying not to laugh/ Uh, dude?

Israeli soldier/ Or we could talk perhaps. I just want to sit near you because you are so full of laughter.

20 minutes later...

Me/ So that's how, in my opinion, the actions immediately following Hurricane Katrina ended up being a microcosm of an overlying disease, one in hindsight that was nearly entirely preventable, within America's governmental infrastructure.

Israeli soldier, looking agitated, finally storming off to his own bed/ Yes, you are funny indeed. I come for kisses and you want to give speech about f$cking politics!!!

My apologies to you, dear Emmanuel. I didn't tell you of my hidden superhero ability to repel unwanted advances with an unending force of steely, boring US centric opinions...I am American, and this is the only way I know...


Anonymous said...


god these stories just keep getting better and better....or worse and worse. regardless, theyre hilarious.

Anonymous said...

mister peepers?

Bitter Chocolate said...

LOL Good one! Love your blog, your stories are insightful, funny and full of wisdom thats spread out in a bearable day (now that's a something, people resent being thought so what you've managed to do in your blog is something like slipping a bit of medicine into your pet's food so that it would actually eat the darn thing:)). Thanks for providing me with a bunch of good stuff to read!

debo said...

Didn't he have more important things to do? Like destroy Iranian yellowcake?