I’ve crossed back to the nebulous state. Transitions and plans of attack cloud around me as September ends. Truthfully, I never really thought I would know what to do with my life, yet every day I don’t, it’s fresh surprise. A burning idea gives way to reasoning and for everything that seems perfectly sane, there are a hundred points behind it that urge opting out.
Luckily, now I only have myself to reassure. If I can’t sleep, only I occupy the bed. And lately, I can’t sleep. My hands are idle, they need to be moving, I’m organizing items just to re-pile, staring at a to-do list that does not exist, scrolling through my phone and wondering where the time went from the last moment I heard what I wanted to hear, a possibility that turned into something half as exciting as the prospect. The din of my air conditioner has never been able to drown out my nagging inner voice. Do I take this step or let it take me?
That I can’t answer, so I let my moods do the talking. I signed up, finally and nearly eight months later, to finish up that lingering art-partial-degree. I’m structuring a plan for the novel so that come January it will be someone else’s problem for a while. These things have been shadowing me too long to abandon and also, I tend to love them as much as they tend to not love me back. In the meantime, I am walking too much and too far, finding myself under faulty lighting at the side of the city, scuffing my shoes, and I have not gotten tired even once.
Feeling contemplative is futile. It’s Friday and it’s beautiful and it will not be cold for at least another week or three. So today whatever it is that holds me back will not be pushed down, but will be let out, and it can ride away with summer for all I care…
Luckily, now I only have myself to reassure. If I can’t sleep, only I occupy the bed. And lately, I can’t sleep. My hands are idle, they need to be moving, I’m organizing items just to re-pile, staring at a to-do list that does not exist, scrolling through my phone and wondering where the time went from the last moment I heard what I wanted to hear, a possibility that turned into something half as exciting as the prospect. The din of my air conditioner has never been able to drown out my nagging inner voice. Do I take this step or let it take me?
That I can’t answer, so I let my moods do the talking. I signed up, finally and nearly eight months later, to finish up that lingering art-partial-degree. I’m structuring a plan for the novel so that come January it will be someone else’s problem for a while. These things have been shadowing me too long to abandon and also, I tend to love them as much as they tend to not love me back. In the meantime, I am walking too much and too far, finding myself under faulty lighting at the side of the city, scuffing my shoes, and I have not gotten tired even once.
Feeling contemplative is futile. It’s Friday and it’s beautiful and it will not be cold for at least another week or three. So today whatever it is that holds me back will not be pushed down, but will be let out, and it can ride away with summer for all I care…
6 comments:
It sounds like you are truly in transition. Good luck.
this was pretty
Off topic: More 80s toy theme--My Little Pony figures are responsible for tramp stamps and the general stripperfication of women.
http://the2scoops.blogspot.com/2006_11_01_archive.html
--Taupey
I can completely relate to this entry! I find that with each passing day I find new and exciting things to do with my life but with my changing moods I never commit long enough to experience them. I have taken some steps to pursue a job that will benefit me in many ways, so like yourself I am trying to push the things holding me back away. Good luck with your pursuits and I love your writing style!
Nicely said.
I've felt that way too often.
Except the notion of an empty bed sometimes seems like a romantic, almost welcome change...
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