Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Road to Recovery

Things are heavy, heady lately.

I’m confiding in you a secret: I am my own worst enemy and my greatest friend. I walk with toes in front of toes on a yellow line bisecting the road to recovery. One step forward, two to the side.

There is a burden to being young, and this is it. We know too little and we feel too much.

Each moment is exhausting in importance. The weight of what means what is suffocating and infuriating and hard and uneasy. Knowing why is little to no comfort. We want to know how. One step forward, now three to the side.

I may not be better than the confines of my own attitude. But let’s pretend. Because if we do, fakery becomes the truth. There are much bigger problems in the world and to fall into our lives, even past the extent of our imagination. Preparedness is a fallacy. And yet, this does not, will not worry me. Things are precious only because they fade and dry, and still I would not give anything up to circumvent such loss. Not life, not love, not ever.

Someone said to me, be here now. Every breath, every heartbeat is now, in this time and space. Use your life energy in a positive way in the space you occupy.

I feel a calm wash. Without a crystal pendant and hippie beads. No dreamcatcher, only dreams. Toes back on the yellow line.

Now, just one step forward and nothing else, as fast and far as I can muster. I know the road will lead me places I did not think I’d be able to go, not alone, and yet I will. Because all things fade, even hurt, even death, even this.


brooke alexandra said...

I felt like I was reading my own diary while I read this. I am dealing with something right now that seems so much bigger than me. Being young, but still considered an adult, we are living life blindly, discovering the answers as we go along.

Though, I've decided to "let it go." I cannot let it and my decisions consume every part of my day, what's done is done.

Glad to know I'm not the only 24 year old that feels this're not alone.

StephanieKlein said...

I hope you're okay. I totally understand these kinds of posts, these kinds of days. It helps to blog it all out. Still, you're in my thoughts. There's at least the new season of Top Chef to help you through...

CGM said...

Hang in there K -

Among my two favorite things to repeat to myself right now:

1) This too shall pass

2) One more day

Be proud of sideways, it’s not backwards, and it’s a much greater accomplishment than closing your eyes, shutting down your senses, and marching forward without thought of feeling.

Anonymous said...

I swear every time I read your blog, which is everyday, I feel like I know you because I feel like you are me.

I too, am going through the hardest time of my life. But know that sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

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