Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Hours

Tick. Tock.

I can nearly touch it. The creak of a rocking chair on a painted porch, the background a bayou, a sweating glass of water and an old man’s raspy voice. He’s talking about time, the choices he made and didn’t make, he’s a composite of everyone who ever has and ever will give me advice and he’s saying to follow my heart. But the rhythm of the beats is confused and off, it keeps changing, stuttering, I think for a flash that maybe I have a problem, a murmur, but really it’s just jitters, and I feel that instead when I shift to listen. His voice croaks when he says things happen for a reason, then he says they don’t, he says things just happen, and we grow up and our bodies get old. And then he’s done talking and I haven’t heard a thing.

Isn’t always just like that? The moment something is in jeopardy I realize how much of it I squandered, took for granted, let slip through my fingers.

Time. There is so much and so little of it. Always time for work, for cleaning, to work out, to fret about the future. But there is never any time for the things I find I really need; family, friends, just being by myself, writing.

Now I may have a choice. Give up time, even the illusion of it, for something else. A timeless experience, maybe, but is it worth giving up my life for the promise of another?

Decisions are hard, particularly for a Libran, of which I am, and nearing the culmination of my quarterlife crisis, also known as that landmark birthday of twenty-five, wanting a change, but not wanting it really and truly, to give up this for that, no matter what that may become.

Still the idea of putting in more time, paying dues of which I’ve already paid, and maybe they weren’t paid to the exact right people, but they were paid just the same, the idea of going back into a pit for the promise of a future opportunity, to switch it up, to control my time on earth by giving up a few years of my twenties…

I don’t know what my time is worth, and where it should go, and what to do, and really I thought I had come far, but I’ve shuffled just a few steps. Because if anyone were to ask me what I learned since any time before it would only be a shrug of indecision…

Could I take an opportunity right now that I wasn’t looking for and not prepared for just because it could pay off with a big splashy sort of ending? But I would give up my life now in many ways I think, even if it’s just spent sitting in the apartment and gazing out on the balcony at the flicker of lights in the other apartments and wondering who turned them on and why…

I’m lost in introspection as always. I don’t want to make a choice that ends with me not having a choice later. I want to choose right, but of course, I want to choose easy, convenient and with plenty of time…even if it’s just for window and navel-gazing…

And maybe I don’t want to choose at all…

7 comments:

Cheetarah1980 said...

I've been where you are. Sometimes the easy, logicial choice isn't the right one for you. Sometimes it is. The fact of the matter is, life is about choices. Choosing one thing means not choosing something else (at least for a certain period in time). And sometimes options don't present themselves indefinitely. I can't tell you to jump on it or hold back. I will say you need to do what will leave you with the smallest "what if."

Broady said...

Wish I knew what you were talking about. Sounds very interesting...

Another twentysomething said...

Ah, fellow Libran. Welcome to the balance that can sometimes help in conflict resolution and leave the individual (you) wondering which side of the scale to tip more.

Luria Bertani said...

I love this post. and am also a Librian prone to introspection.

Anonymous said...

Ah Life! Make a decision. If you don't like it make another one.

Serena said...

Sometimes you just have to jump.

hannah said...

indeed.

(i've been reading your blog for a while now, and i just wanted to thank you for writing this.)