Some people have it. Sometimes I’m one of them. Most of the time I am not. Every morning like clockwork, I’m reminded with the buzz. The bleep bleep bleep. My flapping hand blindly finding the snooze once more. Not before I get a quick (left) eyeful of one half-finished art project, the pile of still-folded laundry that I’ve been treating as an invisible dresser, the stacked paperbacks that were must-reads a mere month ago, the sloppy outline of my dream, debut novel.
Is routine the parent of motivation? Maybe it’s guilt that incites action. Either way, I’ve found nothing to be fail-safe thus far. I need a life coach, I need self-help, I need a jumpstart. Or I just need to start sucking it up and stop looking for an external kick. Take a moment and slide out my driver’s license. Still Connecticut (as I haven’t found the motivation to switch it to New York, even after three years here). And look at myself in the picture. Shining, smiling, rosy-cheeked and with bangs (hey—they were in, I swear). Twenty years old. Just four years ago. And what have I done, really done, since then? Relationships don't count. Vacations, deviations, distractions don't count. The four year journey of high school seemed like flying through a wormhole. The years of college catapulted me into a depraved reality, a jam-cram of information and frenetic travel that was pure joy. But the four after? Hmmmm. I’m three-quarters through and I'm only as far as the first few learnings of a one-year newbie. Since then, I couldn’t tell you what’s happened. Jobs, apartments, more questions, less answers. Oh, and I lost the bangs.
I want something to happen. Specifically, this: To be plucked from the internet by a sharply dressed agent. One that sees me as a diamond in the rough, strips the mediocrity, slaps on a coat of paint, and tosses me on the market. He/she’d believe in my sale. But, who’s buying?
Would you buy it? Would you buy me? If I could pull it off, would the world think I was pulling wool over its eyes? Could I mix my almost literary style with something delicious, salacious, top it with a bing cherry and serve it up for your consumption? Would anyone flock to snag an edition, would anyone touch it with a ten foot pole, would anyone (besides my mother) care?
I may never know. But I have to try.
I have to find the motivation. Somehow.
Is routine the parent of motivation? Maybe it’s guilt that incites action. Either way, I’ve found nothing to be fail-safe thus far. I need a life coach, I need self-help, I need a jumpstart. Or I just need to start sucking it up and stop looking for an external kick. Take a moment and slide out my driver’s license. Still Connecticut (as I haven’t found the motivation to switch it to New York, even after three years here). And look at myself in the picture. Shining, smiling, rosy-cheeked and with bangs (hey—they were in, I swear). Twenty years old. Just four years ago. And what have I done, really done, since then? Relationships don't count. Vacations, deviations, distractions don't count. The four year journey of high school seemed like flying through a wormhole. The years of college catapulted me into a depraved reality, a jam-cram of information and frenetic travel that was pure joy. But the four after? Hmmmm. I’m three-quarters through and I'm only as far as the first few learnings of a one-year newbie. Since then, I couldn’t tell you what’s happened. Jobs, apartments, more questions, less answers. Oh, and I lost the bangs.
I want something to happen. Specifically, this: To be plucked from the internet by a sharply dressed agent. One that sees me as a diamond in the rough, strips the mediocrity, slaps on a coat of paint, and tosses me on the market. He/she’d believe in my sale. But, who’s buying?
Would you buy it? Would you buy me? If I could pull it off, would the world think I was pulling wool over its eyes? Could I mix my almost literary style with something delicious, salacious, top it with a bing cherry and serve it up for your consumption? Would anyone flock to snag an edition, would anyone touch it with a ten foot pole, would anyone (besides my mother) care?
I may never know. But I have to try.
I have to find the motivation. Somehow.
23 comments:
hey darlin, i'd buy it.
You could look for someone who will tell you what to write based on what they want to sell, or select for yourself a genre then write in it and find someone who will buy it. Perhaps not terribly satisfying to your soul, but a way to get by. I think in this model, someone else provides the motivation.
Or you could find (in your heart or in your world) a story which you passionately believe needs to be told, tell it, then find someone to buy it. Or perhaps self-publish. The story is your motivation. Risky, but potentially more rewarding.
Depends on your tolerance for risk, the urgency of your need to be recognized, and economic realities. I think the risky mode is more likely to produce great art, but that has to come from your heart.
Do it!
look for a writers' group on Craigslist. The commitment, cameraderie and instant feedback might help you keep that pen to paper.
Thanks so much everyone. You all are my motivation AND my inspiration.
If you need a life coach, I happen to know one. But he's in Delaware.
You don't have to wonder what you've done with your life at 24. Sounds to me like you've done a lot.
Look at what you can possibly do with the next 50 years of your life.
Oh my God, do I feel your pain. Your wish to be plucked from blogging obscurity matches my own. As does your list of questions; The worry, the wonder, the fear of being seen as a failure.
I can't find motivation anywhere. I'm trying, but it's hard. Rather than being the type of person who goes out and creates it, I'm the type of person who wants success to fall into my lap. Like, if I just sit here, and blog, and write for long enough, someone will discover me, publish me, make me a writer. Sure, it could happen. But wouldn't it be faster if I actually put some effort into it?
If you find the motivation, let me know where to look.
Take your clothes off for a living, whine about your vastly overpaid job, wax lyrical about being fat, fuck a Senator or shamelessly name drop daddy's contacts.
It works for the rest of us anyway.
Well, the only way a dream like that will come true is if you believe in it. If you dont believe you got a good story to tell, then no one else will believe in it either. But I gotta say...if your book is well written like your blog, then I would totally buy it!
Great. Another good writer with interesting shit to say who happens to be in her early 20's. I'm not even discussing my age here. Great.
I'm going to take a nap now.
Is there no mechanism (aside from blogs) for writers to publish outside the major houses? The little literary review but online, and with some sort of micropayment system to offer you some monetary compensation for your work? It seems that we have more writers than can reasonably hope to have their stories regularly published in The New Yorker or be signed to multi-book deals with the majors. We ought to have a place for this, where a writer may find an audience of hundreds or thousands rather than the millions, but at least be able to practice his/her art.
Is there no mechanism (aside from blogging) by which a writer can publish for a small audience, and receive some compensation? A small literary review of sorts, online with open access for writers and a micropayment scheme of some kind. Not everyone will be able to publish stories in The New Yorker or be signed to a multi-book contract with a traditional house. Still, we ought to offer encouragement and the opportunity to earn something at least by writing for the hundreds or thousands rather than the millions. If we don't have this, why not?
wanting to be 'discovered' on the internet after 5 months of blogging is like hoping the new cute guy you've been seeing for 5 months will propose. sure, sometimes it happens, but guess what? that's flash-n-the-pan interest, there.
credibility takes time to build, and it takes dedication to honing one's craft, and refining one's voice to be distinct.
K, you're a good writer, but I think bill called it on his first comment - you have an urgent need to be recognized, and that very urgency is your achilles' heel.
After a year of being in NJ, I never bothered to change my drivers' license either. I was afraid to. Afraid that if I did that, I was somehow finally choosing one state over another, finally settling on a single, life path...It boxed me in somehow.
Write, keep writing and never stop.
Jae
K,
You know I feel you. It seems that since the jump from blog to Barnes and Noble has been made by others, that we should be able to do it too. We hope a buzz gets going and people will tell other people who will tell someone really important just how great we are. Unfortunately, it usually doesn't work like that. You've got talent and hell you even got a buzz. I'm sure that pretty darn soon we'll be hearing about your six figure 2 book deal. Whether it's by someone plucking you from obscurity or you going for it your damn self, it'll happen.
But damn it, instant gratification is so much better!
you're my breeze of motivation! hearing your loud voice laughing from down the hall reminds me that there IS SO MUCH more to life.
-S
I completely agree that the readiness of blogger to book deal has made all sorts of unrealiztic expectations for writers (i.e. me) that just by putting a few musings out they should be handed a fat check when no dues have been paid and no hard work has been spent. Also totally true about the 5 months of blogging relating that to the cute guy proposing...it's a near impossibility that it'll happen, but unrealistic expectations are only heightened when you see it happen around you.
If you can see it happening...it's not altogether unrealistic, no?
As far as paying the dues.... writing a novel is dues enough if you ask me. Humbug to anyoen who says it isn't.
I never thought these motivated people actually existed until very recently. Then I met one, and even though she's one of my best friends, I sometimes hate her for being a self-starter.
Is it not motivating enough that this blog has been a part of the inspiration for at least one other person to start theirs?
Just a bit of advice - it would help if you had some way for us to contact you.
You said "I need a life coach, I need self-help, I need a jumpstart. Or I just need to start sucking it up and stop looking for an external kick."
Check out "The T.A.D. Principle", it would be a great resource for you.
Hello. You can try this coach. He is specialised on personal coaching and specifically in creative coaching. His name is Petros and from what I know he uses the classics to coach and to achieve the desire level of creativity.
My friend is a lead singer in a band and his mood and creativity changed after a few sessions. This is the coach's number in the UK. I do not haved the USA number: 07960874511.
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