Thursday, April 13, 2006


At prep school I was the lead in a version of Kafka’s Metamorphosis, staged in an old wooden auditorium with bare-bones set pieces and big characters. The play was small in its ambition, but well received, and as a senior project for a veritably insane young man from Bermuda, it won a distinguished award for him, and accolades for us.

To promote the work opening that weekend, strange and puzzling signs sprang up around our green velvet campus.


Then, “CHANGE IS NOT GOOD.” (An ominous reference to the demons found in the characters after one awakes, either mad or actually changed. Eventually all players take part in destroying the 'changed', including 'himself'. This climaxed with the actors pummeling me with not-yet-ripened apples while I screamed at the top of my lungs in, at first, mock pain, then real. Against my suggestion and wishes, of course).

Something about the gentle slopes of two temperature fronts colliding always brings me to the question of change.

Thoughts now tend to clog the air—in my bedroom, on the subway, flowing through the streets.

Last night a phone call had me asking what could be. This morning, a chance meeting did the same.

Around the globe, how many are awaiting a thick packet, email, or affirmation of acceptance—to school, to jobs, to dreams?

How many of us told ourselves it would be today, this summer, this year, that something, anything, would finally happen, make sense, come to pass?

And how many, though change often is deeply desirous (maybe subconsciously in most cases), fear it?

Today I’m taking a vow to disregard fight or flight. To choose to face, and even pursue, the changes that could be. To echo an idea of walking into the uncertain, versus just standing and letting it wash over.

Easier said than done...


Grant said...

I can't get the thought of someone being appled to death out of my head as I sit here waiting for a response. I suppose if you hadn't been the victim, you'd be a bit amused too. (Possibly a participant?) I hope you were able to return the favor in some way or other to your fellow cast members.

As the song goes, I love a rainy night, I wake up to a sunny day. Though as far as my dog can attest from his hiding spot under the stairs, the change wasn't so gentle last night.

So, if I may ask, what is it that you are changing that makes you afraid to leave your comfort zone?

Another twentysomething said...

Kudos, K. Some say that those who notice coincidences are tapped into a level of "human energy" most are not. I personally think noticing coincidences is like noticing the first few drops of rain hit your hand and nose before the winds starts blowing your hair up straight and the big rain comes. Maybe change is just around the corner. "Could be...who knows..."

Anonymous said...

I like the idea of change

pookalu said...

another twentysomething, thanks a lot for putting that soundtrack in my head. i can still envision tony and the coke bottles.

i have no opinion on change, because change is a constant. ok, i have an opinion on change, because change is a constant.

t2ed said...

Death by MacIntosh. Ouch.

As the poet laureate David Bowie said, "Changes are taking the pace I’m going through. Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes."

I have such an ambivalence toward your writing. First, I love it. Then I hate it because I realize how much better than mine it is. Curse my jealous rage.

BermudaScribbler said...

"a veritably insane young man from Bermuda" hmm interest piqued will have to start asking around to uncover who did Metamorphosis as a senior project at prep.

Again, a wonderful read.

Lynn said...

Sounds like you are paying attention to signals which is great. Chance meetings and phone calls = a really good chance.

Serena said...

You just described where my mind has been these last few weeks. I tread a fine line between fearing change and craving it. I'm attempting to avoid my typical path of least resistance, but change, even in that respect, is hard.

D.T. said...

You're right. It is easier said than done. But you know what? I think if you really want to change, you can. You just have to want it bad enough, you know? Which means, if I really want to...well I wont say, but if I really want it, I guess I better go after it, huh?

Further on up the road said...

To stand and face fear is one of the hardest things I've ever done. In all sorts of things for me I have to do it though. I spent the best part of 25 years just always running away and always dreaming the solution was around the corner and it would solve everything.

Now I work hard to accept life and everything in it and just get on with it.

Sounds simple doesn't it?

It's often the hardest most painful thing I ever have done.

I do feel better in the long run though.

Good for you - you are have inspired me for today to not run or look away but face the day.

Sober In the City said...

I love that you ask these questions.

Thomas said...

Did you read "Prep" by Curtis Sittenfeld?